Screenplay feedback

After sharing the screenplay with the other members of my group, a number of points were raised:

• Addition of 1 or 2 extra scenes, to ensure the film reaches the 5-minute mark
• Changing HATTIE's character to make her warmer towards Simon, so the audience thinks he has more of a chance with her
• Shortening of the first scene to keep the pace satisfactory.

Other than these points, overall we were very happy with the screenplay so far.

Other issues brought up during the meeting were:

• Locations - use of Endecliffe Park as primary location?
• Weather - hope for sun while filming, but have to film in rain otherwise
• Sound - recording sync sound, with the possibility of dubbing/foley if needed
• Kit - have 3 DSLRs available, it would be nice to make use of a 2 or even 3 camera set-up
• Actors - using our contacts we have people in mind for the characters.
  

Screenplay Draft 1 (Working title - Simon Says)

EXT. THE PARK - DAY

SIMON is sat under a tree in the park. He is holding a small
notebook and pen. It is apparent that he is attempting to
write something he finds difficult.

Simon chews on the pen and frowns at the open page in his
notebook. He is not impressed with what he has written.

SIMON
(With gusto)
Hattie, you are the hat I never
want to take off.

He stares at the page for a moment, before furiously
scribbling through what he has read.

SIMON
(Muttering)
No, that's shit.

Simon flips through a couple of pages in his notebook. It is
clear he has been working on this for some time.

SIMON
(Reading)
Your eyes sparkle like the milky
way, I could stare into them all
night and day.

Simon pauses for a moment to consider this line.

SIMON
(Shaking head)
Definitely not.

He flips through a few more pages, stopping to read extracts
from his scribbled notes.

SIMON
With hair like a scented garden
of.. wild plants? ..You're perfect
because.. you always.. let me
finish the popcorn?

Simon shakes his head in frustration and flicks to a clean
page in his notebook.

SIMON
(Writing while speaking)
Hattie, you keep my soul as warm as
my head... If you weren't around
I'd wish I was dead...

He finishes writing this down, then looks contemplatively
across the park, chewing his pen.

SIMON
You like watching scary movies late
at night in the dark... Sometimes
when I look at you I think you'd
make a very pretty shark.

Simon reflects on this for a moment. He stares at the page
in his notebook. He then calmly closes the notebook, tucks
the pen into the spine, and holds it for a moment.

SIMON
Oh, screw this.

He throws the notebook violently across the park and drops
back into the grass in frustration.

EXT. THE PARK - DAY

Simon is holding a large, expensive-looking bunch of TULIPS.
He admires them for a moment, nods, and dials HATTIE on his
mobile phone.

HATTIE
(On phone)
Yeah hello?

SIMON
(Still smiling at his tulips)
Hi Hattie. Are we still on for
later?

Simon is far more interested in the phone call than Hattie,
who is picking at her fingernails.

HATTIE
What? Oh, um, yeah sure. Four
thirty, right?

SIMON
(Looking pleased with himself)
Cool. Oh and by the way, Hattie?

HATTIE
(Still disinterested)
Yeah?

SIMON
What are your favourite flowers?
Just out of interest?

Hattie examines her fingernails while she thinks.

HATTIE
Er, anything really. Except tulips.
I hate tulips. See ya later.

Hattie hangs up, leaving Simon staring at the tulips. After
a moment he walks to the nearest bin, dumps the tulips, and
leaves. As he walks away we see a price tag on the bunch of
flowers - it reads £14.99.

EXT. THE LAKE - DAY

Simon is walking through the park trying to come up with a
way to tell Hattie how he feels about her.

He stops and addresses an imaginary Hattie.

SIMON
(Gallantly)
Hattie, how would you like to be my
girlfriend?

He pauses to consider this, but shakes his head and
continues walking.

SIMON
Too formal.

Simon stops to address another imaginary Hattie.

SIMON
(Cheesily)
Hey Hattie, wanna come back to mine
and see what happens?

He shakes his head in mild horror and continues walking.

SIMON
Urgh, definitely not. Too creepy.

He kicks a stick into the lake, and stands there watching it
float away.

SIMON
(Quietly)
Hey, Hattie. Would you like to go
for a drink sometime, with me?

He nods to himself, satisfied, and walks away to meet
Hattie.

EXT. THE PARK - LATE AFTERNOON

Simon runs to catch up with Hattie. He is panting slightly
when he reaches her.

SIMON
(Red-faced but grinning)
Hattie! Hi. Hey.

He punches her awkwardly on the shoulder, but regrets it
immediately. She looks at him with barely contained disgust.

SIMON
So.. how are you?

HATTIE
(Rolling eyes)
Yeah, yeah I'm fine.

We notice that she doesn't ask him how he is. In fact, she
doesn't seem interested in conversation with him at all.
There is an awkward silence, as he looks at her brightly and
she takes a slow glance across the park.

HATTIE
So.. Simon... Why did you want me
to meet you again?

SIMON
Well.. erm, I just had something to
tell you, that's all.

Hattie seems impatient. She keeps checking her phone.

HATTIE
And you couldn't tell me over the
phone because...?

SIMON
(Falters)
Well.. I guess.. it's such a nice
day..

Simon gestures around the park, but Hattie is unconvinced.
She puts her phone back in her pocket.

HATTIE
Well you better tell me soon, I've
got to go and meet Greg in a
minute.

SIMON
(Confused)
Greg?

HATTIE
Yeah, you know Greg, my boyfriend?

Hattie peers past Simon, looking for Greg.

SIMON
..Y-... Your boyfriend?

HATTIE
(Still on the lookout for
Greg)
He said he's be along any minute.
Although, that doesn't mean much
from him, I mean one time I was sat
waiting for him for an hour and all
he had to say for himself was that
his cat had got stuck in the
bathroom, I was like, what kind of
excuse is that...

Hattie's voice fades out, and we see Simon's face drop as he
realises the girl of his dreams is out of his reach. Tears
well at his eyes, but Hattie doesn't notice - she doesn't
care.

HATTIE
(Sees Greg in the distance)
There he is! Well I've gotta go,
Simon, I'll see you some other time
okay.

Hattie walks away before she has even finished her sentence,
leaving Simon standing alone with tears in his eyes. He rubs
his eye with a sleeve, and as he does so, a pretty girl
walks past him down the path.

Simon's attention is captured by the girl. In beautiful
slow-motion, we see her flick her hair over her shoulder,
smile back at Simon, and continue walking.

Simon grins, and follows her down the path.

Character Development - Simon Green

CHARACTER NAME: Simon Green

AGE: 22

GENERAL DESCRIPTION: Clumsy, well-meaning Simon can’t seem to find the right girl for him, but is it something to do with his overenthusiastic romantic gestures?

1. What do you know about this character now that s/he doesn’t yet know? Hattie, who he thinks is his girlfriend, and who he plans to propose to, isn’t his girlfriend at all.
2. What is this character’s greatest flaw? Serial hopeless romantic. Freaks girls out with what comes across as weird, obsessive behaviour.
3. What do you know about this character that s/he would never admit? Believes every girl he meets is “the one”, but forgets as soon as he meets another girl.
4. What is this character’s greatest asset? Affectionate and caring to those around him.
5. If this character could choose a different identity, who would s/he be? He kind of wishes he was James Bond, but in reality he’d be far too scared to do such a dangerous job.
6. What music does this character sing to when no one else is around? The soundtracks from the Shrek movies are the most played songs on his iTunes.
7. In what or whom does this character have the greatest faith? Cookie Crisp cereal.
8. What is this character’s favourite movie? It’s a tie between Love Actually and The Notebook, but if his mates ask, it’s Saving Private Ryan.
9. Does this character have a favourite article of clothing? Favourite shoes? He very rarely takes off his hat.
10. Does this character have a vice? Name it. He drinks far too much coffee, so most of the time he’s buzzing with energy.
11. Name this character’s favourite person (living or dead). Brian Badonde.
12. What is this character’s secret wish? That he was shorter.
13. What is this character’s proudest achievement? Finding all the golden eggs on Angry Birds.
14. Describe this character’s most embarrassing moment. When he was 16, he called his headteacher “mum” during an awards ceremony in front of the whole school.
15. What is this character’s deepest regret? He wishes he’d taken History A Level instead of French. He hated French, but his form tutor convinced him to study it.
16. What is this character’s greatest fear? Pigeons.
17. Describe this character’s most devastating moment. All the moments in which girls have rejected his advances. He soon becomes distracted by another girl though.
18. What is this character’s greatest achievement? So far, none of the girls who have been the focus of his obsessive affection have ever slapped him.
19. What is this character’s greatest hope? That his parents will get on – but he knows it won’t happen.
20. Does this character have an obsession? Name it. Girls. Usually girls who don’t like him back.
21. What is this character’s greatest disappointment? His cooking ability. The first thing he tried to cook in his new flat was instant noodles, and he burnt them.
22. What is this character’s worst nightmare? Being dumped by a girl in front of all his mates.
23. Whom does this character most wish to please? Why? The majority of the attractive female population, so he can find a pretty girl to show off to the world.
24. Describe this character’s mother. Fiery-tempered, she spends a lot of time shouting at her husband. She runs her house like an angry tornado, but it’s always spotless.
25. Describe this character’s father. A quiet, repressed, short man who tries to stay out of his wife’s way, he doesn’t talk to Simon often, just to ask him to pass the ketchup.
26. If s/he had to choose, with whom would this character prefer to live? He lives on his own currently, and he likes it that way (although he wouldn’t say no to some company).
27. Where does this character fall in birth order? What effect does this have? He is an only child, conceived out of wedlock, and the cause of his parents’ marriage. He serves as a constant reminder of their loveless marriage so they avoid him the majority of the time.
28. Describe this character’s siblings or other close relatives. Simon’s best friend is his cousin, Alex. Alex is very shy though, so they usually just play Halo 3 together on his xbox while Simon’s auntie knocks on the door every five seconds to offer them more orange squash.
29. Describe this character’s bedroom. Include three cherished items. He has a shoebox under his bed filled with romantic mementoes (like phone numbers scribbled on napkins and forgotten underpants) which he adds to frequently, a goldfish called Kevin who lives on his bedside table, and all the Desperate Housewives box sets (hidden in the bottom of his wardrobe).
30. What is this character’s birth date? 3^rd June 1989.
31. If this character had to live in seclusion for six months, what six items would s/he bring? If you asked him, he would tell you “five girls and an 8^th”, but in reality he really wouldn’t know what to do with five girls: he’d smoke the 8^th, then sit in a corner and cry.
32. Why is this character angry? His 32-inch flat screen TV blew up and he can’t afford a new one.
33. What calms this character? Weed, and raspberry jelly.
34. Describe a recurring dream or nightmare this character might have. He has a nightmare where he is an ice-cream man in a world where everyone is fatally allergic to ice-cream.
35. List the choices (not circumstances) that led this character to his/her current predicament. He met Hattie at a party, and has been obsessing about her ever since.
36. List the circumstances over which this character has no control. He hopes his landlord won’t find out he has Kevin the goldfish living in his flat.
37. What wakes this character in the middle of the night? His next-door neighbours having extremely loud sexual intercourse to Barry White.
38. How would a stranger describe this character? Full of energy, looks younger than he is, outgoing and friendly.
39. What does this character resolve to do differently every morning? His hair, but he always ends up wearing his hat.
40. Who depends on this character? Why? His neighbour from across the hall, Dave, is always borrowing his milk. Simon is sceptical as to whether Dave ever actually buys any milk.
41. If this character knew s/he had exactly one month to live, what would s/he do? He’d like to think that he’d go clubbing every night to try and pick up as many girls as he can, but he’d probably spend most of it getting high in his room and watching nature documentaries.
42. How would a dear friend or relative describe this character? What is this character’s most noticeable physical attribute? His cheeky smile, which never leaves his face.
43. What is this character hiding from him/herself? He is secretly scared that he will never find the right girl to settle down with.
44. Write one additional thing about your character. His favourite animal is a shark.

First production meeting

To begin with, we continued working on the idea we had discussed previously, but after a while, we decided to take a different approach.
Since we wanted to keep a light-hearted feel to the piece, and worried that 5 minutes following a man reciting an engagement speech would end up rather dull, we decided to change some major details of our idea.
Instead of the character's girlfriend being dead, she was now not his girlfriend - he merely wished/imagined her to be. The story would follow his attempts to make impressive romantic gestures towards her, but they kept going wrong. The film would end with her rejecting him, making him dreadfully upset until he saw another pretty girl to direct his advances towards.
I agreed to go home and draw up a screenplay draft, as well as a character development sheet.

Idea development - Basic starting point

As I was going about my daily life, I was thinking of ideas to add, and over a couple of days a more concrete idea began to form in my head, so I shared it with the group.

"So here is my idea: its loosely based on one of poppy's, but by no means does it have to be our final idea.
Our main character is a male, in his early 20s. Let's call him.. Kyle. Kyle here has recently lost his girlfriend in a tragic twist of fate. They were together 2 and a half years, and he was thinking of proposing, but she was cruelly taken before he had the chance.
Our film takes place following Kyle on a journey through his girlfriend's favourite park (and possibly other places in the city). He goes to different places which are linked to memories he had with her. Narrating this would be him talking (as if she is walking with him) or an internal voice. We would see visual representations of his memories with her in them. Throughout the film it should not be entirely clear to the audience where she is or what has happened to her. We follow him as he reminisces and talks to himself, and the film ends at a park bench where he sits down (maybe at a lake) and takes from his backpack an urn - clearly her ashes. He then addresses the urn as if she can hear him - maybe "we had some good times, didn't we?" This would be a great way to do some interesting camera movement, maybe with braces or dollies, and has great scope to play with sound too (dialogue would probably need to be recorded separately). The writing of the piece would have scope to be a strong point too."

The general feedback was quite detailed and useful, and we agreed to meet up when we arrived back at uni. The comments read as follows:

Poppy: Oooh, this is rather cool, it does say we can only use 3 locations on the brief, not sure how we'll work around that but it's something that can be discussed when im more awake. (Also for a final touch, maybe she died in a car accident? And its flowers at a roadside as opposed to an urn? For an urban feel this is more fitting i think.)

Alli: Oh yeah, so if almost all the scenes were in a park, and the last one at the roadside? I like the flowers better too, we could make the audience think he's off to see her to bring her flowers and then BAM we realise she's dead. Or he could buy the flowers on his journey.

Poppy: Sounds interesting. It could be written to talk like a build up of a relationship, or even we could make it out as if he was going to propose to her at the end of the video. Make it so its filmed in a sunny, happy location. Looks bright and romantic and then drop it into the ending there. Could even leave little hints in the mise-en-scene in places, so that the audience can take hints from it after each watch, aka they see something more each time. Of course this all depends on what the rest of the group thinks. That and im worried that might make it a bit too much like the 'stronger than yesterday' film we were shown... in the way of structure. idk.

Alli: I love all those points, that's great stuff you've got there. Well just wait to see what everyone else thinks

Hannah: heyy :) sorry I haven't replied, been working full time and not had chance. All these ideas sound fab ladies I'd be happy with any of them tbh :) I agree that having flowers by a roadside would be easier than an urn.. and I love the idea of dropping the audience hints throughout. We could also have like flashbacks of them together or something? not sure if its already been mentioned but its a thought. I also have some ideas on some sound that I think would work well but probs easier to explain in person. xx

Alli: Yeah sounds good Hannah, I like the flashback idea. I was thinking at least including a flashback of how they met. That would be really nice I think! I reckon if we have a big collective brainstorm on Monday and then I could go and draw up storyboards and a script :)

Ideas and feedback within the group

More ideas came from Poppy, who posted:

"I really liked them, a great starting point. I like the idea of journey being expressed through a far more metaphorical way.

In the way of ideas i've had/have sprung from this:
- Someone's on a train journey and appears to be talking to a friend/relative sat next to him/her throughout. A monologue/one sided conversation about memories they had together or whatever, and then at the end the train comes to a stop. "Well this is it then, our final stop." The person gets off the train and goes to scatter the ashes of said friend/relative in the countryside/coast.
- (This one i kinda had an idea of playing with the period it's set in, as that would be a challenge to undertake and might be quite interesting. I can help get hold of costume) Two childhood friends who fell apart are trying to get back in touch with one another during WW2. One is a soldier, the other a woman back on the home front, working at a hospital or factory or something. The only dialogue i think would be the letters they're writing to one another. The journey is through their relationship from acquaintances to potential lovers. It would be an opportunity to use some interesting derelict locations around sheffield and countryside too.
- The Journey of a relationship between a mother and daughter or father and son. This would be a challenge to cast as we'd probably require child actors and adult actors. But it would show the daughter/son going through stages of life and the relationship with their mother/father figure."

Drama Project - Initial Ideas

To begin the brainstorming process, we set up a Facebook group and posted some of our ideas to give each other feedback. Initially, I created a ideas/themes document as a helpful starting point.

Drama Project

Idea/Theme Brainstorm

The brief for this project is to create a 5 minute film which conveys the notion of “JOURNEY”.

JOURNEY:

1. A travelling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time; trip
2. A distance, course, or area travelled or suitable for travelling
3. A period of travel
4. Passage or progress from one stage to another

Other themes/ideas linked to JOURNEY:

v Kidnapping/abduction (being transported to another place)

• Alien abduction
• Abduction by psycho/sociopath
• What appears to be kidnapping but is in fact totally innocent

v Travelling, “gap years”

v Emotional journeys

• Loss of a loved one
• Emotional changes through a relationship with another
  • Romantic relationship
  • Friendship
  • Family relationships (parents, siblings)
  • Acceptance of a life-changing event
  • Births, deaths, marriages etc

v Journeys taken every day

• To work, school, the supermarket
• Detailed depiction of a seemingly simple journey

v Life experiences

v Stages in life

v Life events

• Moving house
• Starting a new job
• Starting school
• Moving to university

v Taking a familiar journey for the last time

• Last day at work/school/university

v Travelling somewhere new for the first time

v A new experience

Other points to consider:

v Types of transport

• Public: bus, train, tram, plane
• Private: car, van, bicycle, walk

v Time of day, weather, atmosphere

• Day, night, evening, dawn
• Sunny, rainy, stormy etc

v Attire of characters

• Wrapped up warm, trying to stay cool
• Modern clothing or traditional
• What does the character’s attire say about the character

v Reason behind character’s journey

• Why are they taking this journey? Why at this time?

v Linear or non-linear narrative

v How the journey is linked to the character

• Is it their journey, or the journey of another?

v How long does the journey take to complete: minutes, hours, days, weeks?

v How many characters will be introduced?

v How much dialogue will be needed?

• Will most of the film be dialogue?
• Will there be very little dialogue?

v What type/age of characters are possible for us to achieve?